My hope is in the LORD

Psalm 25: 1-5

"To you, O LORD, I lift up my soul; in you I trust, O my God. Do not let me be put to shame, nor let my enemies triumph over me. No one whose hope is in you will ever be put to shame, but they will be put to shame who are treacherous without excuse. Show me your ways, O LORD, teach me your paths; guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long."

I've been in a funk the past week trying to fight my way out of this valley I am in. This is the widest, deepest valley I have every been in. I go through moments of being content and feeling hopeful. I trust God knows what he is doing and has a bigger plan that I cannot see. Then, there are weeks like this past week. When I thought I saw I way out... again, it crumpled before me, smashing my hopes and plans into pieces. I then spend several days earnestly searching for a rope or a map. I grasp at everything and control as many things as I can. I start to doubt why I am here in the first place. Am I here because God wants me here or am I here because I've been disobedient and these are the natural consequences? Maybe it is both. I plead with God regularly. "Please, rescue me!" I usually get silence in return. In fact silence has been a common theme since this journey started.

We started down this path running. It was exhilarating in the beginning to jump off a cliff, going against what the world considered wise and trusting God to catch us. The problem was we had assumed God would instantly reward us for our faith. Surely God would bless us now! Look at how willing we were to obey. I think back to these thoughts and see how prideful and foolish I was.

Instead of blessing us with success, God started dismantling our plans. He began removing options and resources until we were entirely dependent on him. We prayed for direction and received nothing. We prayed for provision and it would come in final hour if it came at all. I was forced to go without things I felt entitled too. We were forced to request help on more than one occasion, which is made us feel like God was shaming us instead of blessing us.

On a few occasions it seemed as though we would make progress or something promising was coming our way. We would celebrate too soon and the let down would be enough to make me want to stay in bed. I would mope for a day and then God would gently remind me this all is for his glory and it is not about my comfort. I knew he was changing me. On one hand I wanted to ask him to continue and on the other I wanted to beg him to stop. I didn't want all of this to be for nothing. I began to realize how double-minded I was. I wanted to grow to become more like him, but it was easier to stay how I was.

The hardest part became trying to explain ourselves to friends and family. Especially since we were trying to get an explanation from God ourselves. Why are we here? What is his plan? When will we see fruit from our labor? We felt like our situation confirmed their suspicions that we were crazy to begin with. I often asked God why he allowed us to look like fools. Maybe we are fools. Maybe we derailed the plans with poor choices. These things would weigh heavy on my mind on bad days.

After we were certain we had no idea what God was doing and we were met with silence, we just started trying everything. Every door that was open was closed. We tried forcing some doors open which resulted in frustration. My husband and I would sometimes have ups and downs opposite of each other, which was helpful because we could encourage one another. And sometimes we would both become pessimistic at the same time. I remember sitting outside, drinking coffee and I finally said out loud what I was thinking off and on for a month. "If God doesn't do something soon, I'm going to start growing far instead of close to him." I drove to work that day regretting that I ever said it. I felt bad that I had spoken something that was anything but encouraging. These words were damaging even to me. I essentially said, "If God doesn't give me what I want, when I want it, I'm done trying to be obediant."

Learning to control my thoughts and words has been a critical lesson in this. I began to work on repeating truths. One of the first ones was "You're all I need God." I remember repeating this most often around Christmas when gifts were not an option. Another I repeated was "not my will, but yours be done." I didn't always mean it, but I said it anyways.

Over a year ago we started this journey. I honestly would have never guessed we would still be where we are. Over this time I can see areas in my heart that God has changed. He still is working on some things I continue to stubbornly cling too. Sometimes I tell him I just assume he just tear it out of my grasp so we can be done with it. Two seconds later I retract that prayer and request his gentleness. (Clearly I still have problem with being double-minded at times).

I am keenly aware of his grace, more so than ever before. For that I am thankful. I still wonder what he is doing. I wonder how much of this valley is consequence and how much is simply his will. Maybe the two can't be seperated.

I give him my problems repeatedly. It happens so often for the simple fact that I often take it back when I don't like how he is handling it. I can just hear him say "Let me guess...you would like to give it a go yourself again?" I of course realize, yet again, I am quite incapable and humbly return it to capable hands. I struggle with knowing what my duty is in the matter. Should I be doing something I am not? Should I be waiting? Should I be changing my path?

I know God has a plan in this. I still have no idea if he promises anything more than being with me through it. I would like to think we are nearly ready to climb out of the valley and on to a peak...or even some solid ground. I would be lying if I said I would be OK with this taking another year. The thought drains me. But I am choosing to stick with him. I know without a doubt he is good, his will is perfect and his grace is sufficient for me.

I hope one day to look back on this and see all the ways God directed our path to take us exactly where he wanted us. I'm still excited to see where he takes us. In the mean time, I will be focusing on the blessings I have. Supportive friends and family, a church that continues to speak truth into our lives, a great husband and two amazing, healthy kids.