Am I actually thankful for this?

You know you've learned something when you can look back over a long, difficult journey and recognize and appreciate what you have learned. Yes...I said appreciate. I'm even still in the midst of this trial. I don't like it. I'm not asking for more. But I am asking God to not stop until he has accomplished what he wants to accomplish in me. Yikes. Did I really just say that?

Growing is painful business especially if you try to resist or escape the trial that is meant to teach you. God exposing what is in your heart, bringing to light what is in your mind isn't a fun experience. I laugh at myself looking back to when we first started this thing. I was completely foolish. The amount I have learned over these 2 years and the level at which I have learned them, I would have never guessed was possible.

Last Spring I was at my breaking point with our circumstances. It came to a point that I either kept walking down this path with God or I said screw this and walked away from his plan for me (assuming he would let me). I was so confused, so angry, so tired and so hurt. I kept thinking why are you doing this?! You asked us to do this and now you've done nothing but strip us down. We look like fools to our friends. We look like fools to our family. We only tried to follow you and instead of blessings we get...this. No money, no job, no options, no guidance, no joy.

I sat on a patio with Mike, drinking a Starbucks coffee we couldn't afford and I said "If God doesn't do something soon, I am done." I wanted to cry right there. Sob. Lay down and give up. I've never felt that way. For those who know me well, I can roll with a lot of punches before I get pissed off. At least I thought that was the case. I got in my car to head to work and I told God I was sorry. I would follow him anywhere no matter what. For the rest of that day I had peace.

Things didn't improve any. We had more let downs, more disappointments and rode the roller coaster with them. I was committed to following God no matter what. Even though I had no idea what he was doing. I didn't even know what it looked like to follow him half the time. Do I take a right or a left or should I stand still? Silence usually followed. I grumbled, said sorry, grumbled some more, complained, was restored with hope through a song or verse and started the process over again.

During this time, I kept my radio tuned to Christian stations only. I listened to sermons online about 5 times a week. (I'm totally serious). I read 2-3 devotionals a day plus read books. Sounds extreme doesn't it? I had to do that to stay afloat. I had to immerse myself in him in any way I could and frankly I was too weary to pray all that much. Usually all I would get out was "Father....". I didn't know what to pray, but I knew he knew what I needed.

In September I was feeling discouraged again. I was still committed to follow, but had no joy. I resigned myself to following God even if he never spoke a word to me personally, even though I saw him speaking to so many others in new, personal ways. He was silent for me.

Then, when I was most desperate, he began to reveal himself in new ways. Suddenly I can look back and see what work he has been doing in me over the last 2 years. So much work in fact, that I am very thankful he didn't leave me alone when I begged him to. So thankful, I am willing to continue this, until he thinks I am ready for whatever blessings he has for me. I'm confident that he has something pretty fantastic and all of this is to prepare me for it.

I still don't hear from him as often as I would like. I am still broke as can be and I still have days when I want to say "You've got to be kidding me!" We still have no idea what his plan is exactly. We are still waiting for directions more specific than "follow me". He sustains us, provides for us, continues to take things away and I'm learning to count it all as joy. He hasn't given up on me.