Am I actually thankful for this?

You know you've learned something when you can look back over a long, difficult journey and recognize and appreciate what you have learned. Yes...I said appreciate. I'm even still in the midst of this trial. I don't like it. I'm not asking for more. But I am asking God to not stop until he has accomplished what he wants to accomplish in me. Yikes. Did I really just say that?

Growing is painful business especially if you try to resist or escape the trial that is meant to teach you. God exposing what is in your heart, bringing to light what is in your mind isn't a fun experience. I laugh at myself looking back to when we first started this thing. I was completely foolish. The amount I have learned over these 2 years and the level at which I have learned them, I would have never guessed was possible.

Last Spring I was at my breaking point with our circumstances. It came to a point that I either kept walking down this path with God or I said screw this and walked away from his plan for me (assuming he would let me). I was so confused, so angry, so tired and so hurt. I kept thinking why are you doing this?! You asked us to do this and now you've done nothing but strip us down. We look like fools to our friends. We look like fools to our family. We only tried to follow you and instead of blessings we get...this. No money, no job, no options, no guidance, no joy.

I sat on a patio with Mike, drinking a Starbucks coffee we couldn't afford and I said "If God doesn't do something soon, I am done." I wanted to cry right there. Sob. Lay down and give up. I've never felt that way. For those who know me well, I can roll with a lot of punches before I get pissed off. At least I thought that was the case. I got in my car to head to work and I told God I was sorry. I would follow him anywhere no matter what. For the rest of that day I had peace.

Things didn't improve any. We had more let downs, more disappointments and rode the roller coaster with them. I was committed to following God no matter what. Even though I had no idea what he was doing. I didn't even know what it looked like to follow him half the time. Do I take a right or a left or should I stand still? Silence usually followed. I grumbled, said sorry, grumbled some more, complained, was restored with hope through a song or verse and started the process over again.

During this time, I kept my radio tuned to Christian stations only. I listened to sermons online about 5 times a week. (I'm totally serious). I read 2-3 devotionals a day plus read books. Sounds extreme doesn't it? I had to do that to stay afloat. I had to immerse myself in him in any way I could and frankly I was too weary to pray all that much. Usually all I would get out was "Father....". I didn't know what to pray, but I knew he knew what I needed.

In September I was feeling discouraged again. I was still committed to follow, but had no joy. I resigned myself to following God even if he never spoke a word to me personally, even though I saw him speaking to so many others in new, personal ways. He was silent for me.

Then, when I was most desperate, he began to reveal himself in new ways. Suddenly I can look back and see what work he has been doing in me over the last 2 years. So much work in fact, that I am very thankful he didn't leave me alone when I begged him to. So thankful, I am willing to continue this, until he thinks I am ready for whatever blessings he has for me. I'm confident that he has something pretty fantastic and all of this is to prepare me for it.

I still don't hear from him as often as I would like. I am still broke as can be and I still have days when I want to say "You've got to be kidding me!" We still have no idea what his plan is exactly. We are still waiting for directions more specific than "follow me". He sustains us, provides for us, continues to take things away and I'm learning to count it all as joy. He hasn't given up on me.

Renewed Mind

I've realized that I've looked at God's order all wrong. I'm encountering him now more powerfully because I've begun to lift my restrictions on how I think he should speak and does speak. The cross wasn't just to get me to heaven it was for a relationship now. I've always had a relationship with him, but I was limiting the communication that makes the relationship stronger and more intimate. He's showing me that my past views on it were not his wisdom, but instead what I was comfortable with. I have a feeling a LOT of Christians are stuck where I was. Assuming he doesn't have anything important to tell me, instead of assuming that he has so many important things to tell me. Now I operate assuming he is talking instead of that he isn't. I realize our churches have put God in a box. We don't want anything "wierd" happening in church. We don't want to scare people off and have them think we are crazy. Out of fear we have shut the door to God's supernatural ways. It has occured to me that a God that moves powerfully, is a God that people want to follow. Otherwise he is the distant God that is simply there to stamp his approval on our entry ticket into Heaven. There is to be order to things. But order is meant to accurately express who God is, not restrict him. Otherwise Paul would have said stop using spiritual gifts, but instead he explained how to do it so that the church body was edified. So many churches have restricted biblical gifts! In fact, many never even mention them. Why?! If God has a gift for me I want it! If he has a Word for me I want it! If he would want to use me to encourage someone else, I would be honored. Why are we telling people how God loves them instead of showing them through his power?? This is my new prayer for the church. That God would break out of their box to demonstrate he is the Living God who desires us now...not just when we get to Heaven and that he would bring with this revelation, Wisdom to apply it in his definition of order.

Power of Words

Again and again over the last several weeks, God has reminded me of the power of words and thoughts. He wants to change how I think and how I speak about my life. During this difficult year it has been very easy to speak negatively and complain. What sounded like me just being honest about our situation became declarations over our situation. We don't have enough money. We can't find work. We are about to lose everything. I would then pray God would provide for us. But my hope and joy were gone. I was pleading from a place of defeat and not from my place God has given me. A place of favor.

In my prayers, quiet times and the sermons I've been listening to, God keeps bringing up the same issue. Not only does he bring it up, but he makes sure I see the fruit of my life-giving declarations. Our words have power. I'm learning to use them wisely.

So today we went to a new church for a change and because I knew God had something to say to us and this is where we would hear it. So we went and guess what the sermon was on... Power of words of course. After the sermon the speaker prophesied over a few people in the room. I new she had a word for us. She asked if there was a man or woman who's business is failing. Definitely us! After the service she came to speak with us and prophesied over us that God was going to expand our business. She saw a room with wall to wall computers in it and said we may be going into teaching/instructing others. She prayed for new contracts and an increase in income. Praise God!

God is Good

No, I still don't know what God is doing. Yes, I am still in the same trial I have been in for over a year. But seeing God work has made it worth every step.

Over the last few months, God has been drawing my attention to the supernatural power in our lives. He's made me aware of things I was not paying any attention to before. I became aware of my thoughts and words that were not life giving and so I started to pray and work at changing that. The more I prayed and harder I tried, it seemed to get worst. Sometimes I felt like I had ADD. I couldn't even finish a thought before a new one started. I would be so double minded. I would retract something in my head before I even completed the thought. Everything came to a head when I went to a conference. I was determined to hear from God, so I drove 60 miles to hear speakers who teach on prophesy and dreams. (I've prayed for the gift of prophesy for years!). I didn't want to hear anything specific...I just wanted to hear something...anything after a really long 18 months of silence.
We arrived and got settled and worship started. My mind was chaos. I was overloaded with thoughts. I kept trying to refocus only to get distracted again. The thoughts were not necessarily bad thoughts, so I wasn't convinced it was the enemy. I left the conference frustrated with me and frustrated with God. He seemed to have a word for everyone. So why was I leaving feeling like he skipped me? Doesn't he give me the same holy spirit as he does everyone else? Why can't I connect with him?

I wasn't going to give up. I was going to hear something from him, so I spent most of Saturday listening to webcasts. It only made me more annoyed and frustrated. I decided my attitude wasn't helping so I laid down to take a nap.

It was a good nap. I slept so well. I woke up feeling so much better. On our way to church, Mike and I started talking about one of the speakers and his sermon on dreams. I laughed and said God doesn't speak to me in dreams because I rarely dream and they are usually so scattered and off the wall. I used the dream I had during my nap as an example of my wierd dreams that can't be from God...

I was at a school. It was a supernatural or magic school. I remember thinking it was a Harry Potter type of thing even though none of the film's characters were there. In my dream I became aware that I had to leave for my safety because an attack of some kind was coming. So I head out on the road. I know an attack is getting closer. I find a machine that looks like a landwalker from Starwars (This immediately peeks my husband's interest). I knew as I got in it that is was supplied for me by someone because they knew I would need it. Right as I start off in the new machine the attack comes. I still can't tell you what it was. I see it hurdle towards a woman and her two girls. They are running and scared. I jump out and help them into my machine. I tell them where we are going it is safe and warm. Where we are is cold and snowy. We continue on our journey and the destination is in sight. We can see a building on a hill. It is Spring and looks beautiful. Even the lighting seems unnaturally amazing. As we get closer I see the line we have to cross. It is literally a line seperating them. Inches of snow on one side and green grass on the other. We move over the line and I wake up.

I'm describing this dream to Mike as an example of how God doesn't speak to me in my dreams. Of course as I get into the dream and say it outloud I realize how spiritual it sounds and we both kind of laugh about it.

After church we get home and get the kids in bed and I turn on yet another sermon. Kris from Bethel church is talking about the process of moving into your promises and how things can keep you from that. He specifically talks about thoughts that are not from you, but from the enemy. I had immediate clarity that not all my thoughts were my own. The enemy was trying to distract me. Since they seemed like harmless thoughts I fell for his lies. At the end of the sermon, Kris prayed and rebuked the enemy from giving us thoughts. As he wrapped up his prayer he said "it is time to move from Winter into Spring". Mike and I immediately looked at each other. It was quite clear that dream was from God. I went to bed thrilled. Finally I had a break through and a promise of a season change.

Since that night, I have been keenly aware of how peaceful my mind is. I am not fighting to calm my mind at all. I can focus in prayer, I can think clearly without double-mindedness on every little thing. When I have a bout of discouragement, it doesn't last long because I can choose to focus on blessings. I am enjoying Spring...

My hope is in the LORD

Psalm 25: 1-5

"To you, O LORD, I lift up my soul; in you I trust, O my God. Do not let me be put to shame, nor let my enemies triumph over me. No one whose hope is in you will ever be put to shame, but they will be put to shame who are treacherous without excuse. Show me your ways, O LORD, teach me your paths; guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long."

I've been in a funk the past week trying to fight my way out of this valley I am in. This is the widest, deepest valley I have every been in. I go through moments of being content and feeling hopeful. I trust God knows what he is doing and has a bigger plan that I cannot see. Then, there are weeks like this past week. When I thought I saw I way out... again, it crumpled before me, smashing my hopes and plans into pieces. I then spend several days earnestly searching for a rope or a map. I grasp at everything and control as many things as I can. I start to doubt why I am here in the first place. Am I here because God wants me here or am I here because I've been disobedient and these are the natural consequences? Maybe it is both. I plead with God regularly. "Please, rescue me!" I usually get silence in return. In fact silence has been a common theme since this journey started.

We started down this path running. It was exhilarating in the beginning to jump off a cliff, going against what the world considered wise and trusting God to catch us. The problem was we had assumed God would instantly reward us for our faith. Surely God would bless us now! Look at how willing we were to obey. I think back to these thoughts and see how prideful and foolish I was.

Instead of blessing us with success, God started dismantling our plans. He began removing options and resources until we were entirely dependent on him. We prayed for direction and received nothing. We prayed for provision and it would come in final hour if it came at all. I was forced to go without things I felt entitled too. We were forced to request help on more than one occasion, which is made us feel like God was shaming us instead of blessing us.

On a few occasions it seemed as though we would make progress or something promising was coming our way. We would celebrate too soon and the let down would be enough to make me want to stay in bed. I would mope for a day and then God would gently remind me this all is for his glory and it is not about my comfort. I knew he was changing me. On one hand I wanted to ask him to continue and on the other I wanted to beg him to stop. I didn't want all of this to be for nothing. I began to realize how double-minded I was. I wanted to grow to become more like him, but it was easier to stay how I was.

The hardest part became trying to explain ourselves to friends and family. Especially since we were trying to get an explanation from God ourselves. Why are we here? What is his plan? When will we see fruit from our labor? We felt like our situation confirmed their suspicions that we were crazy to begin with. I often asked God why he allowed us to look like fools. Maybe we are fools. Maybe we derailed the plans with poor choices. These things would weigh heavy on my mind on bad days.

After we were certain we had no idea what God was doing and we were met with silence, we just started trying everything. Every door that was open was closed. We tried forcing some doors open which resulted in frustration. My husband and I would sometimes have ups and downs opposite of each other, which was helpful because we could encourage one another. And sometimes we would both become pessimistic at the same time. I remember sitting outside, drinking coffee and I finally said out loud what I was thinking off and on for a month. "If God doesn't do something soon, I'm going to start growing far instead of close to him." I drove to work that day regretting that I ever said it. I felt bad that I had spoken something that was anything but encouraging. These words were damaging even to me. I essentially said, "If God doesn't give me what I want, when I want it, I'm done trying to be obediant."

Learning to control my thoughts and words has been a critical lesson in this. I began to work on repeating truths. One of the first ones was "You're all I need God." I remember repeating this most often around Christmas when gifts were not an option. Another I repeated was "not my will, but yours be done." I didn't always mean it, but I said it anyways.

Over a year ago we started this journey. I honestly would have never guessed we would still be where we are. Over this time I can see areas in my heart that God has changed. He still is working on some things I continue to stubbornly cling too. Sometimes I tell him I just assume he just tear it out of my grasp so we can be done with it. Two seconds later I retract that prayer and request his gentleness. (Clearly I still have problem with being double-minded at times).

I am keenly aware of his grace, more so than ever before. For that I am thankful. I still wonder what he is doing. I wonder how much of this valley is consequence and how much is simply his will. Maybe the two can't be seperated.

I give him my problems repeatedly. It happens so often for the simple fact that I often take it back when I don't like how he is handling it. I can just hear him say "Let me guess...you would like to give it a go yourself again?" I of course realize, yet again, I am quite incapable and humbly return it to capable hands. I struggle with knowing what my duty is in the matter. Should I be doing something I am not? Should I be waiting? Should I be changing my path?

I know God has a plan in this. I still have no idea if he promises anything more than being with me through it. I would like to think we are nearly ready to climb out of the valley and on to a peak...or even some solid ground. I would be lying if I said I would be OK with this taking another year. The thought drains me. But I am choosing to stick with him. I know without a doubt he is good, his will is perfect and his grace is sufficient for me.

I hope one day to look back on this and see all the ways God directed our path to take us exactly where he wanted us. I'm still excited to see where he takes us. In the mean time, I will be focusing on the blessings I have. Supportive friends and family, a church that continues to speak truth into our lives, a great husband and two amazing, healthy kids.

Is Faith a feeling or a choice?

Lately I feel like my faith is anything but pleasing to God. In my prayers I find myself apologizing for my doubt and for the hopelessness that I’ve been feeling. For the past several weeks I’ve asked God to restore me, to speak to me, to remind me he is with me in this. I pointed out that he has been known to use burning bushes and donkeys to speak to people, so why can’t I get something undeniable like that. (I’m certain God rolls his heavenly eyes when I remind him of things he has done in the past).

I’ve been confessing my lack of faith like crazy and asking God to grow my faith. And then suddenly I’m faced with why I am desperate for more faith. Why would I ask God for more faith? How do I know I need more? What would prompt us to seek more?

Then the question hit me. Is faith a feeling or a choice? I think I’ve been asking God to restore my faith because I feel like it is lacking. I feel a little lost and like he is being silent. I find myself doubting what he has asked of me and questioning if I have somehow wandered off his path and out of hearing range. I think what I’ve really been asking him is to make faith easier or actually asking him to show me he’s there so I need less faith!

So I guess the first question is what is faith? Faith is being sure God is who he says he is and that he will do all that he has promised to do.

I think the problem here is I cannot always control how I feel. That is unfortunate isn’t it? How many marriages would be saved if we could make ourselves feel love and forgiveness? If we could make ourselves feel how we wanted to or needed to…then I guess we wouldn’t need so much faith.

Do you see where I’m going with this? The truth is, faith can be a feeling but it is not defined by a feeling. Faith is a moment by moment choice a lot of the time, especially when your faith is being tested.

So what does faith look like? Faith looks like traveling 40 years in a desert because God told you he had some land just for you. Faith looks like stepping out of a boat because Jesus said come to me. Faith is making decisions that seem foolish by worldly standards because you feel God is leading you to do something drastic. Faith is action. It is choosing to take a step towards what God is promising us. That’s the thing…there are multiple steps in a journey. Which means each step is a decision. Will you step toward God again and again and again? Will you step toward him even when you are feeling faithless and hopeless?

If you do God promises to reward your faith.

I believe God is who he says he is and he will do all that he has promised to do. If I believe that, what effect will it have on my actions? What effect did it have on Peter’s actions?

This brings me some comfort. Peter stepped out of the boat, actually experienced walking on water with Jesus. Amazing! I think sometimes I take this story for granted since most of us grow up hearing it. But really…walking on water with Jesus?! That is awesome.

But what really gets me about this story is Peter’s faith falters. He starts to sink. Notice this happens when he takes his eyes of Jesus. He looks away from Jesus and looks to the wind and waves. He lets fear grip him. Those emotions can do that. They can grab you and distract you. We tend to take our eyes of Jesus and focus on our difficult circumstances and let fear grip us.

Lucky for us God doesn’t just let us sink. Jesus grabbed his hand immediately when Peter cries out and rescued him. God doesn’t need our faith. He doesn’t need anything from us. Where we fall short, he will meet us every time.

Not feeling particularly faithful today? That’s fine, you still have a choice and God will meet you wherever you are. You cannot control how you feel always, but you are still given a choice to take that step.