You're invited.

Several months ago I had a strange dream and it has taken me this long to hash out what God was trying to show me through it.

I was attending a pre-wedding party. There were a lot of people I did not know. We sat at a large table discussing the wedding. Apparently the wedding party wanted all the women in attendance to wear their wedding gowns to the wedding. I remember thinking that was really strange, but I was excited to participate. We left to drive over to the hotel where we were getting ready.

Along the way Mike was driving a large SUV. We drove past a party area. People were everywhere. Drinking and partying on patios and in the streets. I looked up and saw a woman in a skimpy dress on a balcony without a railing. She took out her lipstick, put it on, and then jumped to her death on the street below. She landed right by the passenger side of the car. I remember a sense of helplessness and sadness. A few people wondered over to look. They shook their heads in sadness, but nobody did anything. Nobody knew what to do. I didn't know what to do. We continued to the hotel.

Once we arrived I saw another guest in her dress. She looked so uncomfortable in it, like she didn't belong in it. I instantly became self conscious myself. I became certain I could not wear the dress to another person's wedding. Surely the bride didn't really want that. I didn't have anything else to wear! I frantically looked through a suit case and pulled out pants that looked like something my daughter would wear. I added a top that didn't match. I knew I looked silly and begged Mike to take me shopping. He insisted there was no time. We had to get to the wedding.

We arrived and I went to enter the ceremony. A man in a suit stopped me and began to ridicule me for what I was wearing. He told me I could not expect to ever enter the wedding looking like I did. He laughed at me and mocked me. I burst into tears and ran to Mike. Then I woke up.

I believe my dream was not only reflective of the condition of my heart at the time, but the condition of the church's heart. The church is the bride of Christ. We've lost our identity and authority. While participating in great things sounds exciting we lose our confidence in the midst of watching the world crumble. People around us are hurting and we aren't real sure what to do about it because we don't understand we have the answer for them. We don't understand we were meant to intervene on their behalf. We feel helpless and ill equipped to handle the problems.

We tell ourselves we have more preparation to do. We aren't ready yet. We fall for the lie we don't belong where God has called us. Then we settle for less than we were meant to have. We settle for less than we were meant to do. We compromise and convince ourselves God didn't mean you specifically when he said we would do things greater than him. He didn't mean to invite us to this. I'm just a guest watching everything he is about to do. I'm a spectator.

So we arrive at ministry moments, feel ill prepared and self conscious to find the enemy waiting to remind us of all the reasons we don't belong. He tells us we can't enter into what God has for us. And we believe him.

I settled for less than what I've been called to. The Church has settled for less than what they've been called to. We think we need more head knowledge, more experience, more talent, more money, more preparation to participate. Meanwhile the world is hurting and desperately needing for us to know who we are and what we are capable of through Jesus.

If you know Jesus, you're equipped. He's all the experience we need. You're only part to play is allowing him to do what he does best. I'm gonna get out of the way by stepping in the mess. You're invited too.

The Desires of your Heart

What comes to mind when I ask you what are the desires of your heart? I've been asking myself this lately, or rather God is asking me this. I was sad to discover I have no idea. Somewhere along the path of doing life, I have lost track of my desires. Maybe I dismissed them thinking it was selfish to want more, or maybe even wrong to dream because maybe it was outside of God's will for my life.

I realized many of us shelve the dreams and ideas in exchange for what the world desires for us. We don't even realize we are doing it. At a young age we are encouraged to follow a certain course to a specific definition of success. Responsibility replaces the idea that we should follow God wholeheartedly, even if defies worldly wisdom.

So we begin to plan and map out our lives to live safely with little chance of hardship and risk. We encourage solid career paths and wise saving plans. Don't get me wrong, these aren't bad things. The problem comes when we think we should be content with these things when we were designed with more in mind. We end up where the world says we should be and find we aren't fulfilled.

Sadly even in the Church, where we should be encouraged into our destinies, we often find limits. We think callings require seminary degrees. We think what we have to offer stops at our tithe checks. Sometimes, it is seen as humble to assume you aren't cut out for anything amazing. This false humility strips us of our identity and our destiny.

God made us with a specific purpose in mind. He planned ahead the things he wanted us to do. He placed desires in us that would propel us into this plan. Our dreams and desires are no mistake. He didn't give us dreams to tease us or to teach us how to be content with something less.

Somehow we have fallen for the idea that the cross was to bring forgiveness of sins and that is all. The rest is waiting for eternity to come. Eternal is...eternal....as in it already started and won't cease. We're in it when we're in him. The cross was not only for forgiveness, it was to have life to the full. (John 10:10 )

To be fully alive, we have to know who we are. What our identity is in him. That means having the confidence to pursue, unashamedly, what he has for us. It means claiming the desires he has given us and understanding he gave them to us knowing us and loving us. Much of the Church is bored, because they still think they are just sinners saved by grace waiting for his return. But he is waiting for us to understand we are sons and daughters of a King who have a key role to play in the war that is taking place until he comes. If we knew how vital our role was, would be willing to give it up? Would we settle for an average life of getting by when we were made to do greater things than Jesus did. (John 14:12 )

I believe God is waking up his Church. He is reminding his bride who she is and how wonderful and great her calling is. It starts by finding out who he says we are. It starts by looking at the desires of our hearts under the lens of who God says we are instead of under the limited lens of who the world says we should be. Don't settle for average when you've been made extraordinary. Don't shy away from risk and adventure in favor of comfort and familiarity. Don't apologize for wanting more out of life. You were meant for more.

"But you are not like that, for you are a chosen people. You are royal priests, a holy nation, God's very own possession. As a result, you can show others the goodness of God, for he called you out of the darkness into his wonderful light." 1st Peter 2:9

I'm not getting my way

If I had my way, I would be there now. Right this minute, I would be in a a small cabin in the mountains planning my relaxing week of hiking, dining out, enjoying the company of friends, sitting in Starbucks for as long as I wanted, sipping coffee, eating a cake pop...or 3 and writing. I would be relaxing after a really long up hill fight. I would be praising God for his faithfulness in bringing me this far. Financially stable, confident of the task he has given me and able to tell others "Don't give up!"

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the LORD. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.
Isaiah 55:8-9

But I don't have my way. God has me right where he wants me. I certainly don't understand his ways. I don't understand what he is doing. But I know he is doing something. I want stability and he is giving me uncertainty. I want confidence and he lets my circumstances shake everything I thought I knew about his plan and about my calling.

I've already learned trying to figure it out doesn't help. Begging God for insight is like asking for a life map to brace yourself for every turn you don't like. If I had it, I would probably try to suggest shortcuts, or worst, ask for something other than what he wants to give me because that road looks to treacherous. So I don't ask why. Sometimes I don't even ask what. I just repeat and hold on to what I do know.

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

"I will betroth you to me forever; I will betroth you in righteousness and justice, in love and compassion. I will betroth you in faithfulness, and you will acknowledge the LORD" Hosea 2:19-20

"The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. he will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing."
Zephaniah 3:17

His ways are not my ways. Praise God for that. If I had my way, I would not be in his. I would never take the hard road, I would never mature, I would never grow in faith or conviction. I would never be able to tell others "Don't give up!". I would never discover what he wants for me. So for now I will settle for I what I do know. Even if I don't like where I am and don't have any idea what he is doing, he is with me. He is mine and I am his.

Where are we?

"For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms." Ephesians 6:12

Imagine with me for a moment that someone walks in your front door, through your living room and picks up your television and walks out. Then they return and grab your computer and leave again. Meanwhile you sit on your couch watching them. You don't protest. You don't try to stop them. You just sit there and watch. Once they are gone you say to yourself, "This sucks. My stuff is gone."

I doubt if someone came in your house univited and tried to take your stuff, you would sit by idly and accept it. So why then, do we pretend as Christians, that the enemy is not trying to take from us? Why do we wonder where our joy and peace went? Why do we wonder where the fruit of spirit went? Or worst, why do we accept it as gone?

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." John 10:10

If we're not having life to the full then something has been stolen from us. If you don't have peace and joy, there has been a theif in your midst. Maybe you didn't recognize him. Maybe you thought it was just circumstances or emotions. Maybe you were duped into handing it over freely, believing it was natural consequences to a mistake. Maybe you forgot who you are.

If Christ came to give us abundant life then it has been given. Sometimes we assume he just meant heaven. We sit by idly accepting assualt because we think it is part of this world. Don't get me wrong. Jesus said we will have trouble in this world. Things will happen that threaten to steal our joy and peace, but he has overcome the world. He said he has given us life abundantly. He said we have his spirit. We are his. We have a restored relationship. So if he is what satisfies and we have him already, how can it be that abundant life waits for us in heaven and not now?

Why are we warned of the enemy and given the armor of God if we are not intended to use it? We are in a battle. How many fights have you seen where one side takes all the hits and the other side just limps on and does not defend or strike back? We're meant to fight back. We've been armed. We've been instructed. Don't just stand there. Don't delay. Don't say to yourself "This might be an attack, but I'm in the middle of something, so I'll pray later." That is not how battles are won.

We are more than conquerors. (Romans 8:37) We need to recognize our role here. We are meant to intervene. We've been equipped to stop the enemy, not just for ourselves, but for others. We aren't here to live our lives until we get our entry ticket into heaven stamped.

If you are bored, confused, complacent, worried, or fearful, then you have forgotten who you are and what is already yours. It is time to take it back.

Becoming Fully Satisfied Now

If you could have anything right now, the one thing you've been waiting for, what would it be?

For the Israelites it was the promised land. They wanted their promise without the journey. They were so focused on the promise, they lost focus of their purpose. Promises are great. Promises provide hope for a future and guidance towards your destiny. But promises are never meant to replace our satisfaction with God. The same God was with them in the wilderness that would be with them in the promised land.

I can pretty much tell when the promise is taking the place of God. I find myself discontent, impatient and confused. Instead of giving thanks and praying boldly, I succumb to complaining and praying as if I have no hope and no direction.

The journey is an important part of the promise. The journey allows time for growth in character and faith. It prepares you for what God's plan is. It creates a humble attitude and allows you to see exactly how incapable you are and how capable he is.

Our purpose is to delight in God, on the journey and in the promise. It is our choice how we walk the journey. We can complain, doubt and even turn back and let the promise die. Or we can let peace reign in our hearts, realize we already have all that satisfies with us where we are and allow God to prepare us for what he has in store. Its admitting God knows us better than we know ourselves.

Let the journey push you closer to God and share the joy with him when you reach what you have been hoping for.

"The LORD your God, who is going before you, will fight for you, as he did for you in Egypt, before your very eyes, and in the wilderness. There you saw how the LORD your God carried you, as a father carries his son, all the way you went until you reached this place.” Deuteronomy 1:30-31

Lift Up Your Eyes

"The LORD said to Abram after Lot had parted from him, "Lift up your eyes from where you are and look north and south, east and west."

We often base our decisions and measure our success by what we see. Whether it be our job, family, church or finances. We make an assessment of our life and live within it.

I love how God tells Abram, "Lift up your eyes from where you are..." He invites Abram to see beyond his current situation. There is more that God is doing. Abram's sight has a limit. Our sight has limits. Sometimes, all I see are my current cirsumstances, what is working and what isn't working. I see where I am falling short. My prayers become boxed into what I know, what I can see.

But God sees more. God is saying, don't get wrapped up in what is going on now and what you are doing. Look and see what I am doing. I'm not limited to where you are now. Lift your eyes up. There is so much more!

Seeing with God allows us to release our faith and pray based on his promises instead of our limitations. It reminds us he is leading the way and his view restores hope.

Not Settling for Anything Less

Trying to cultivate a relationship without communication is difficult. I remember on my wedding day, the message was about the importance of communication in a marriage. Our pastor urged us to focus on communication as the cornerstone of our marriage to keep us strong and connected. So why would my relationship with God be in any different?

I would try to read scripture and it mostly felt like a chore. I would pray and it mostly felt like I was talking to a wall. Surely Jesus didn't die so I could talk to walls and drag around a large book that talks about a relationship that is waiting for me only after I get to heaven. Somewhere along the way I fell for a lie, that led to an agreement, that led to discouragement, that led to hopelessness.

I knew God was talking to other people. That only made the problem worst. If he is talking to them and not me then the problem is me. I don't pray enough. I don't seek him enough. I don't read his Word enough. I have some hidden sin that is keeping him from getting closer. The list could be endless. When I say it out loud I see how ridiculous it is. But it was rolling around in my head for years. For some reason if you never say it out loud you never get to hear how fully it contradicts his Word.

I wasn't recognizing who I was because of his grace. Deep down I believed I wouldn't be who I needed to be until I was in heaven. His grace was my entry ticket. Sadly, a lot of the Church thinks this way. A lot of the Church is still wondering around just as confused as the rest of the world, as if they don't have access to the throne room of a King who has it all the answers. It has rendered us discontent and powerless.

We were made to enjoy him. We were made to hear him. I'm already his. I can already hear him. I'm not settling for anything less than what I was made for and what he died to give me; a relationship with him.

Confusion

Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all of your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight.

I've learned confusion comes from a specific place for me. It comes from trying to figure out the answer to the question that is dominating my life at the moment. Everything I pray about, read, think on, seek and chase after surround that one question that I so desprately need an answer to. Not just an answer, the answer. Not ideas, or examples pertaining to, but the whole truth that leaves me satisfied.

My personality has always dictated that. Grey areas are hard for me to comprehend. If I want to know something, I want to know every bit of information. I am a introvert, type A personality. Which means I think a lot with an end result in mind.

My life over the past several years as yielded far more questions than answers. I have wrestled some questions endlessly. I've pouted, insisted, searched endlessly and cried for my answer.

This has resulted in two things for me. I have searched God's Word and his voice earnestly AND I have come to the realization that I wasn't searching for "the one true answer", but an answer that would eliviate the wondering and the doubt.

Turns out, God isn't that interested in explaining every little trial and questions I have in detail. I'll ask one thing that is so important to me and he will glide right over it and teach me about something I wasn't even wondering about. He stretches my questions instead of answering them. I will ask what about this? While I seek that out I discover that is the tip of a much more complicated question. Ugh! Ever have your question answered with a question?

After much of my asking and seeking, I am learning, God likes questions. Questions mean we care enough to know more. We want to understand how our life fits into his truth. He welcomes our questions and encourages them. But we have to remember who he is and who we are not.

He doesn't always answer the way I want or when I want, but he continues to teach me on things even if I didn't think they were applicable at the time. Turns out, what he thinks I need to know proves to be far more beneficial than the answers I think I want.

I will continue to ask, seek and knock and trust in his perfect timing, he will reveal all that I need to know. I'm learning to let all of my questions be satisfied with, "trust me and I will make all of your paths straight."

Rough Day

Waiting on God without asking, "when God, when?!" is a challenge. But I'm getting the hang of running to him, pouring my heart out and then asking what he has to say about it instead of racking my brain trying to figure out where I went wrong.

This is all...painful. And confusing. And difficult. I just want to see the harvest now. Or to hear the specifics of what the plan is...even just one small detail that I can cling too. But that is just it...I want something else to cling to besides him. Its a faith issue.

Do I believe he is who he says he is and will do everything he promised to do? Do I believe he loves me and intends to bless me, not harm me?

Sometimes when my circumstances are overwhelming, I have to stop and ask myself these questions. The rest of the questions are irrelevant.

Yes, God is who he says he is. Yes, he will do everything he promised to do. Yes, he loves me and desires good things for me.

If I want peace that surpasses all understand I have to give up my right to understand. Surrender to him even though the situation seems impossible. This is humility. This is peace. This is faith.



Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
-James 1:4

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.
-Proverbs 3:5-6

For the revelation awaits an appointed time; it speaks of the end and will not prove false. Though it linger, wait for it; it[a] will certainly come and will not delay.
-Habbakkuk 2:3

Am I actually thankful for this?

You know you've learned something when you can look back over a long, difficult journey and recognize and appreciate what you have learned. Yes...I said appreciate. I'm even still in the midst of this trial. I don't like it. I'm not asking for more. But I am asking God to not stop until he has accomplished what he wants to accomplish in me. Yikes. Did I really just say that?

Growing is painful business especially if you try to resist or escape the trial that is meant to teach you. God exposing what is in your heart, bringing to light what is in your mind isn't a fun experience. I laugh at myself looking back to when we first started this thing. I was completely foolish. The amount I have learned over these 2 years and the level at which I have learned them, I would have never guessed was possible.

Last Spring I was at my breaking point with our circumstances. It came to a point that I either kept walking down this path with God or I said screw this and walked away from his plan for me (assuming he would let me). I was so confused, so angry, so tired and so hurt. I kept thinking why are you doing this?! You asked us to do this and now you've done nothing but strip us down. We look like fools to our friends. We look like fools to our family. We only tried to follow you and instead of blessings we get...this. No money, no job, no options, no guidance, no joy.

I sat on a patio with Mike, drinking a Starbucks coffee we couldn't afford and I said "If God doesn't do something soon, I am done." I wanted to cry right there. Sob. Lay down and give up. I've never felt that way. For those who know me well, I can roll with a lot of punches before I get pissed off. At least I thought that was the case. I got in my car to head to work and I told God I was sorry. I would follow him anywhere no matter what. For the rest of that day I had peace.

Things didn't improve any. We had more let downs, more disappointments and rode the roller coaster with them. I was committed to following God no matter what. Even though I had no idea what he was doing. I didn't even know what it looked like to follow him half the time. Do I take a right or a left or should I stand still? Silence usually followed. I grumbled, said sorry, grumbled some more, complained, was restored with hope through a song or verse and started the process over again.

During this time, I kept my radio tuned to Christian stations only. I listened to sermons online about 5 times a week. (I'm totally serious). I read 2-3 devotionals a day plus read books. Sounds extreme doesn't it? I had to do that to stay afloat. I had to immerse myself in him in any way I could and frankly I was too weary to pray all that much. Usually all I would get out was "Father....". I didn't know what to pray, but I knew he knew what I needed.

In September I was feeling discouraged again. I was still committed to follow, but had no joy. I resigned myself to following God even if he never spoke a word to me personally, even though I saw him speaking to so many others in new, personal ways. He was silent for me.

Then, when I was most desperate, he began to reveal himself in new ways. Suddenly I can look back and see what work he has been doing in me over the last 2 years. So much work in fact, that I am very thankful he didn't leave me alone when I begged him to. So thankful, I am willing to continue this, until he thinks I am ready for whatever blessings he has for me. I'm confident that he has something pretty fantastic and all of this is to prepare me for it.

I still don't hear from him as often as I would like. I am still broke as can be and I still have days when I want to say "You've got to be kidding me!" We still have no idea what his plan is exactly. We are still waiting for directions more specific than "follow me". He sustains us, provides for us, continues to take things away and I'm learning to count it all as joy. He hasn't given up on me.

Renewed Mind

I've realized that I've looked at God's order all wrong. I'm encountering him now more powerfully because I've begun to lift my restrictions on how I think he should speak and does speak. The cross wasn't just to get me to heaven it was for a relationship now. I've always had a relationship with him, but I was limiting the communication that makes the relationship stronger and more intimate. He's showing me that my past views on it were not his wisdom, but instead what I was comfortable with. I have a feeling a LOT of Christians are stuck where I was. Assuming he doesn't have anything important to tell me, instead of assuming that he has so many important things to tell me. Now I operate assuming he is talking instead of that he isn't. I realize our churches have put God in a box. We don't want anything "wierd" happening in church. We don't want to scare people off and have them think we are crazy. Out of fear we have shut the door to God's supernatural ways. It has occured to me that a God that moves powerfully, is a God that people want to follow. Otherwise he is the distant God that is simply there to stamp his approval on our entry ticket into Heaven. There is to be order to things. But order is meant to accurately express who God is, not restrict him. Otherwise Paul would have said stop using spiritual gifts, but instead he explained how to do it so that the church body was edified. So many churches have restricted biblical gifts! In fact, many never even mention them. Why?! If God has a gift for me I want it! If he has a Word for me I want it! If he would want to use me to encourage someone else, I would be honored. Why are we telling people how God loves them instead of showing them through his power?? This is my new prayer for the church. That God would break out of their box to demonstrate he is the Living God who desires us now...not just when we get to Heaven and that he would bring with this revelation, Wisdom to apply it in his definition of order.

Power of Words

Again and again over the last several weeks, God has reminded me of the power of words and thoughts. He wants to change how I think and how I speak about my life. During this difficult year it has been very easy to speak negatively and complain. What sounded like me just being honest about our situation became declarations over our situation. We don't have enough money. We can't find work. We are about to lose everything. I would then pray God would provide for us. But my hope and joy were gone. I was pleading from a place of defeat and not from my place God has given me. A place of favor.

In my prayers, quiet times and the sermons I've been listening to, God keeps bringing up the same issue. Not only does he bring it up, but he makes sure I see the fruit of my life-giving declarations. Our words have power. I'm learning to use them wisely.

So today we went to a new church for a change and because I knew God had something to say to us and this is where we would hear it. So we went and guess what the sermon was on... Power of words of course. After the sermon the speaker prophesied over a few people in the room. I new she had a word for us. She asked if there was a man or woman who's business is failing. Definitely us! After the service she came to speak with us and prophesied over us that God was going to expand our business. She saw a room with wall to wall computers in it and said we may be going into teaching/instructing others. She prayed for new contracts and an increase in income. Praise God!

God is Good

No, I still don't know what God is doing. Yes, I am still in the same trial I have been in for over a year. But seeing God work has made it worth every step.

Over the last few months, God has been drawing my attention to the supernatural power in our lives. He's made me aware of things I was not paying any attention to before. I became aware of my thoughts and words that were not life giving and so I started to pray and work at changing that. The more I prayed and harder I tried, it seemed to get worst. Sometimes I felt like I had ADD. I couldn't even finish a thought before a new one started. I would be so double minded. I would retract something in my head before I even completed the thought. Everything came to a head when I went to a conference. I was determined to hear from God, so I drove 60 miles to hear speakers who teach on prophesy and dreams. (I've prayed for the gift of prophesy for years!). I didn't want to hear anything specific...I just wanted to hear something...anything after a really long 18 months of silence.
We arrived and got settled and worship started. My mind was chaos. I was overloaded with thoughts. I kept trying to refocus only to get distracted again. The thoughts were not necessarily bad thoughts, so I wasn't convinced it was the enemy. I left the conference frustrated with me and frustrated with God. He seemed to have a word for everyone. So why was I leaving feeling like he skipped me? Doesn't he give me the same holy spirit as he does everyone else? Why can't I connect with him?

I wasn't going to give up. I was going to hear something from him, so I spent most of Saturday listening to webcasts. It only made me more annoyed and frustrated. I decided my attitude wasn't helping so I laid down to take a nap.

It was a good nap. I slept so well. I woke up feeling so much better. On our way to church, Mike and I started talking about one of the speakers and his sermon on dreams. I laughed and said God doesn't speak to me in dreams because I rarely dream and they are usually so scattered and off the wall. I used the dream I had during my nap as an example of my wierd dreams that can't be from God...

I was at a school. It was a supernatural or magic school. I remember thinking it was a Harry Potter type of thing even though none of the film's characters were there. In my dream I became aware that I had to leave for my safety because an attack of some kind was coming. So I head out on the road. I know an attack is getting closer. I find a machine that looks like a landwalker from Starwars (This immediately peeks my husband's interest). I knew as I got in it that is was supplied for me by someone because they knew I would need it. Right as I start off in the new machine the attack comes. I still can't tell you what it was. I see it hurdle towards a woman and her two girls. They are running and scared. I jump out and help them into my machine. I tell them where we are going it is safe and warm. Where we are is cold and snowy. We continue on our journey and the destination is in sight. We can see a building on a hill. It is Spring and looks beautiful. Even the lighting seems unnaturally amazing. As we get closer I see the line we have to cross. It is literally a line seperating them. Inches of snow on one side and green grass on the other. We move over the line and I wake up.

I'm describing this dream to Mike as an example of how God doesn't speak to me in my dreams. Of course as I get into the dream and say it outloud I realize how spiritual it sounds and we both kind of laugh about it.

After church we get home and get the kids in bed and I turn on yet another sermon. Kris from Bethel church is talking about the process of moving into your promises and how things can keep you from that. He specifically talks about thoughts that are not from you, but from the enemy. I had immediate clarity that not all my thoughts were my own. The enemy was trying to distract me. Since they seemed like harmless thoughts I fell for his lies. At the end of the sermon, Kris prayed and rebuked the enemy from giving us thoughts. As he wrapped up his prayer he said "it is time to move from Winter into Spring". Mike and I immediately looked at each other. It was quite clear that dream was from God. I went to bed thrilled. Finally I had a break through and a promise of a season change.

Since that night, I have been keenly aware of how peaceful my mind is. I am not fighting to calm my mind at all. I can focus in prayer, I can think clearly without double-mindedness on every little thing. When I have a bout of discouragement, it doesn't last long because I can choose to focus on blessings. I am enjoying Spring...

My hope is in the LORD

Psalm 25: 1-5

"To you, O LORD, I lift up my soul; in you I trust, O my God. Do not let me be put to shame, nor let my enemies triumph over me. No one whose hope is in you will ever be put to shame, but they will be put to shame who are treacherous without excuse. Show me your ways, O LORD, teach me your paths; guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long."

I've been in a funk the past week trying to fight my way out of this valley I am in. This is the widest, deepest valley I have every been in. I go through moments of being content and feeling hopeful. I trust God knows what he is doing and has a bigger plan that I cannot see. Then, there are weeks like this past week. When I thought I saw I way out... again, it crumpled before me, smashing my hopes and plans into pieces. I then spend several days earnestly searching for a rope or a map. I grasp at everything and control as many things as I can. I start to doubt why I am here in the first place. Am I here because God wants me here or am I here because I've been disobedient and these are the natural consequences? Maybe it is both. I plead with God regularly. "Please, rescue me!" I usually get silence in return. In fact silence has been a common theme since this journey started.

We started down this path running. It was exhilarating in the beginning to jump off a cliff, going against what the world considered wise and trusting God to catch us. The problem was we had assumed God would instantly reward us for our faith. Surely God would bless us now! Look at how willing we were to obey. I think back to these thoughts and see how prideful and foolish I was.

Instead of blessing us with success, God started dismantling our plans. He began removing options and resources until we were entirely dependent on him. We prayed for direction and received nothing. We prayed for provision and it would come in final hour if it came at all. I was forced to go without things I felt entitled too. We were forced to request help on more than one occasion, which is made us feel like God was shaming us instead of blessing us.

On a few occasions it seemed as though we would make progress or something promising was coming our way. We would celebrate too soon and the let down would be enough to make me want to stay in bed. I would mope for a day and then God would gently remind me this all is for his glory and it is not about my comfort. I knew he was changing me. On one hand I wanted to ask him to continue and on the other I wanted to beg him to stop. I didn't want all of this to be for nothing. I began to realize how double-minded I was. I wanted to grow to become more like him, but it was easier to stay how I was.

The hardest part became trying to explain ourselves to friends and family. Especially since we were trying to get an explanation from God ourselves. Why are we here? What is his plan? When will we see fruit from our labor? We felt like our situation confirmed their suspicions that we were crazy to begin with. I often asked God why he allowed us to look like fools. Maybe we are fools. Maybe we derailed the plans with poor choices. These things would weigh heavy on my mind on bad days.

After we were certain we had no idea what God was doing and we were met with silence, we just started trying everything. Every door that was open was closed. We tried forcing some doors open which resulted in frustration. My husband and I would sometimes have ups and downs opposite of each other, which was helpful because we could encourage one another. And sometimes we would both become pessimistic at the same time. I remember sitting outside, drinking coffee and I finally said out loud what I was thinking off and on for a month. "If God doesn't do something soon, I'm going to start growing far instead of close to him." I drove to work that day regretting that I ever said it. I felt bad that I had spoken something that was anything but encouraging. These words were damaging even to me. I essentially said, "If God doesn't give me what I want, when I want it, I'm done trying to be obediant."

Learning to control my thoughts and words has been a critical lesson in this. I began to work on repeating truths. One of the first ones was "You're all I need God." I remember repeating this most often around Christmas when gifts were not an option. Another I repeated was "not my will, but yours be done." I didn't always mean it, but I said it anyways.

Over a year ago we started this journey. I honestly would have never guessed we would still be where we are. Over this time I can see areas in my heart that God has changed. He still is working on some things I continue to stubbornly cling too. Sometimes I tell him I just assume he just tear it out of my grasp so we can be done with it. Two seconds later I retract that prayer and request his gentleness. (Clearly I still have problem with being double-minded at times).

I am keenly aware of his grace, more so than ever before. For that I am thankful. I still wonder what he is doing. I wonder how much of this valley is consequence and how much is simply his will. Maybe the two can't be seperated.

I give him my problems repeatedly. It happens so often for the simple fact that I often take it back when I don't like how he is handling it. I can just hear him say "Let me guess...you would like to give it a go yourself again?" I of course realize, yet again, I am quite incapable and humbly return it to capable hands. I struggle with knowing what my duty is in the matter. Should I be doing something I am not? Should I be waiting? Should I be changing my path?

I know God has a plan in this. I still have no idea if he promises anything more than being with me through it. I would like to think we are nearly ready to climb out of the valley and on to a peak...or even some solid ground. I would be lying if I said I would be OK with this taking another year. The thought drains me. But I am choosing to stick with him. I know without a doubt he is good, his will is perfect and his grace is sufficient for me.

I hope one day to look back on this and see all the ways God directed our path to take us exactly where he wanted us. I'm still excited to see where he takes us. In the mean time, I will be focusing on the blessings I have. Supportive friends and family, a church that continues to speak truth into our lives, a great husband and two amazing, healthy kids.

Is Faith a feeling or a choice?

Lately I feel like my faith is anything but pleasing to God. In my prayers I find myself apologizing for my doubt and for the hopelessness that I’ve been feeling. For the past several weeks I’ve asked God to restore me, to speak to me, to remind me he is with me in this. I pointed out that he has been known to use burning bushes and donkeys to speak to people, so why can’t I get something undeniable like that. (I’m certain God rolls his heavenly eyes when I remind him of things he has done in the past).

I’ve been confessing my lack of faith like crazy and asking God to grow my faith. And then suddenly I’m faced with why I am desperate for more faith. Why would I ask God for more faith? How do I know I need more? What would prompt us to seek more?

Then the question hit me. Is faith a feeling or a choice? I think I’ve been asking God to restore my faith because I feel like it is lacking. I feel a little lost and like he is being silent. I find myself doubting what he has asked of me and questioning if I have somehow wandered off his path and out of hearing range. I think what I’ve really been asking him is to make faith easier or actually asking him to show me he’s there so I need less faith!

So I guess the first question is what is faith? Faith is being sure God is who he says he is and that he will do all that he has promised to do.

I think the problem here is I cannot always control how I feel. That is unfortunate isn’t it? How many marriages would be saved if we could make ourselves feel love and forgiveness? If we could make ourselves feel how we wanted to or needed to…then I guess we wouldn’t need so much faith.

Do you see where I’m going with this? The truth is, faith can be a feeling but it is not defined by a feeling. Faith is a moment by moment choice a lot of the time, especially when your faith is being tested.

So what does faith look like? Faith looks like traveling 40 years in a desert because God told you he had some land just for you. Faith looks like stepping out of a boat because Jesus said come to me. Faith is making decisions that seem foolish by worldly standards because you feel God is leading you to do something drastic. Faith is action. It is choosing to take a step towards what God is promising us. That’s the thing…there are multiple steps in a journey. Which means each step is a decision. Will you step toward God again and again and again? Will you step toward him even when you are feeling faithless and hopeless?

If you do God promises to reward your faith.

I believe God is who he says he is and he will do all that he has promised to do. If I believe that, what effect will it have on my actions? What effect did it have on Peter’s actions?

This brings me some comfort. Peter stepped out of the boat, actually experienced walking on water with Jesus. Amazing! I think sometimes I take this story for granted since most of us grow up hearing it. But really…walking on water with Jesus?! That is awesome.

But what really gets me about this story is Peter’s faith falters. He starts to sink. Notice this happens when he takes his eyes of Jesus. He looks away from Jesus and looks to the wind and waves. He lets fear grip him. Those emotions can do that. They can grab you and distract you. We tend to take our eyes of Jesus and focus on our difficult circumstances and let fear grip us.

Lucky for us God doesn’t just let us sink. Jesus grabbed his hand immediately when Peter cries out and rescued him. God doesn’t need our faith. He doesn’t need anything from us. Where we fall short, he will meet us every time.

Not feeling particularly faithful today? That’s fine, you still have a choice and God will meet you wherever you are. You cannot control how you feel always, but you are still given a choice to take that step.